Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
