As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My pussy is not your playground.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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