im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
