we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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