We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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