My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
