"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
