She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
