i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
