My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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