I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
