i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
