You just made me feel so damn special
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
