how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
