i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
