I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
