did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
