well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
cat food counts as protein by the way
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i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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