So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
