dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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