I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
