I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
