If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
