break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
