Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
