im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
