You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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