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everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
