the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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