And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
