She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
