Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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