9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
