I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
