Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
