god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
