Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
