I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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