I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
