Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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