Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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