I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
