Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
