Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
