note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
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I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
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I got inside last night via doggy door
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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