end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
