he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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