Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
