I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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