Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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