Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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