Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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