My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
