How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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