We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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