i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is Oprah even human
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
