it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
