bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She's the barista slut.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
